


Nothing to be scared of

by Remustrash



Series: the moon and the stars [7]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Depression, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Protect Remus Lupin, Raising Harry Potter, References to Depression, Sad, Sad with a Happy Ending, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-04-10
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:35:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23353303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Remustrash/pseuds/Remustrash
Summary: Remus and Sirius navigate the intricacies of raising a child while trying to re-build a relationship wrecked by tragedy.Extract:Tonight, he’s not scared of the wolf. He’s scared of Remus. But he remembers the first time Sirius found out he was a horrible, murderous creature and hugged him, hugged him so tightly Remus’ ribs ached and whispered “there is nothing to be scared of.”
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: the moon and the stars [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1085292
Comments: 15
Kudos: 49





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE, PLEASE READ THE TAGS! This story contains a scene that may be triggering for some, so please take care of yourself and don't read if you feel it might hurt you.  
> I guess the quarantine is making me sad. But there is always hope. Always.  
> Enjoy!

If you had asked young Remus what he wanted to be when he grew up, he’d have said a writer, for sure. Writers knew everything, after all. They were like Gods in their own private universes. They could create humans out of ink and pour love and magic in the space between the words. They could cast a spell on their readers, put their minds at ease, fill them with happiness, sorrow, sadness, surprise, turn their stomachs with fear, shake their thoughts and put their realities upside down. Writers were more than muggles, more than wizards. They were simply more. And Remus knew, deep down, that he would never be alone as long as he could bury his nose in a story, inhale the smell of old books and dark libraries, feel the dry paper with the tip of his fingers, turn the page to live more, and more, and more. 

If you ask present Remus what he would’ve liked to be now that he’s a grown up, he’d tell you anything, anything but a writer. Because writers are not Gods. They are liars. They are simply people with a better capacity to manipulate than your regular human. They tell lies for a living and give false hope to innocent minds like Remus’ once was. And those who dare speak the truth are silenced. Nobody wants to read about the war, about the awful things wizards and muggles have done, what humanity is capable of. The blood, the pain, the betrayal. Writers like the ones Remus used to read were professional ignorants, specialised in romanticising tragic lives to the point that one wanted, yearned to be the one living them.

Now Remus knows: there’s nothing romantic about a tragic life. 

With a tired sigh, he closes the Jane Austen novel he’d been reading, the one Lily got him for his seventeenth birthday. He used to love these novels, used to treasure their stories like hope inside his chest, the love reflected on those pages so alike and so different from the love he craved. From the love he got. 

Love in books was forever loyal, pure, unwavering. Love in real life… it was more complicated than that, especially amidst a war. 

“You’re not even paying attention, are you?” says Sirius, dropping his arms in surrender. “You don’t even care”

“Really?” asks Remus, indignant. “You don’t even care if I care”

“I can’t believe we’re fighting over stupid spilled tea,” Sirius laughs, but it’s an ironic sort of laughter, a cruel one. Remus doesn’t like it at all. It creeps him out.

“It’s not about the tea and you know it,” Remus yells, standing up. He walks to Sirius and pushes a finger into the other man’s chest. “It’s about you doubting me all the time. It’s about you going through my drawers, for fuck’s sake!” Now it’s Remus who is laughing like a maniac. “What? You think I’m cheating on you?!”

Sirius suddenly goes quiet. Remus frowns, unsure what it is he can feel in the air around them but certain that it is not good. He weights Sirius’ words, analyses them, looking for their hidden meaning. He tries to read Sirius’ thoughts in his bushy eyebrows, the grey colour of his eyes, the curve of his mouth, his hands which can’t stop twitching. 

And then he understands. 

A cold shiver runs down his back. “You…” he mutters. “You think…” He feels his knees go weak and stumbles to the couch. 

“Remus…”

He shakes his head, words stuck in his throat. 

“I’m sorry…”

“Don’t,” he cuts him off. His voice is deep, almost a grunt. He’s trying to comprehend but he can’t, he can’t. Suddenly his eyes well up and he’s crying. Sirius tries to approach him, sit next to him, but he sends him a deadly look that keeps him away. 

The thought had never occurred to him until now. That Sirius could think he was… He never thought Sirius could be, and he never would, not ever. He thought their bond —call it friendship, call it love— was stronger than that. But then came the fucking war. 

“I need you to leave,” he pleads. 

Sirius looks like he might argue for a moment, but then his shoulders drop and in a second, he is out of the room. 

It dawns on him slowly at the middle of the night, lying down on the bed, alone for the first time in ages, with only the light of a nearly full moon shining through the window and casting shapeless shadows on the wall. His eyes are on the ceiling but his mind is elsewhere, thinking back to all the little details he’d let pass the last months. James and Lily no longer visited, it was always Sirius visiting them, at times when Remus was too busy with Order work to tag along. Lily, who used to write to him at least twice a week telling the new adventures of a naughty Harry, together with moving pictures of him fumbling with the little broom Sirius and Remus had got him, no longer wrote. He attributed to the stress she might be under, but now he wonders. He wonders about Pete, who he hasn’t seen in at least a month. He wonders about the questions Sirius now asks continuously, the ones that Remus thought came from pure interest, about what he did during his morning walk, where he went and who he spoke to. He wonders about the last time Sirius told him he loved him. 

He wonders. And he understands. 

Tears spill from his face and it’s been so long, so long since he felt this kind of self-hatred. Since his belly twisted with the thought of getting up from the bed, because what purpose is there to him living? His presence in this world has only served to cause pain, to his friends, to his loved ones, to himself. 

There is nothing he can do to convince them, because he cannot even convince himself of his goodness. He may not be a spy, but that doesn’t matter. He does wrong by just existing, putting worries on his friends’ minds, most probably making them feel guilty for thinking something that it’s just so logical. Out of all of them, Remus is the beast. Remus is the one with the reasons to betray, to hurt, to scream in pain and rage along the voices of all those who Voldemort swears to protect.

He is useless as it is, not helping either of the species he belongs to with his existence. He’s not a bad person. He’s not a good one. He is the gray shadow in a black and white world. 

He looks at the window. 

He looks back at the ceiling.

He looks at the window again.

He questions, he answers. 

Tonight, he’s not scared of the wolf. He’s scared of Remus. But he remembers the first time Sirius found out he was a horrible, murderous creature and hugged him, hugged him so tightly Remus’ ribs ached and whispered _“there is nothing to be scared of.”_

Any other night, the noises wouldn’t have woken Sirius. But this was not any other night, and he was not used to sleeping alone any more. 

He walks towards Remus’ bedroom, not surprised to find the door closed. He knocks lightly. 

“Remus? Is everything all right?”

No one answers,

“Remus?” he repeats, as a bad feeling crawls up his back.

Some seconds pass in silence, and then: “Go away, Sirius,” says Remus in a broken voice.

Sirius swallows down his pain. His guilt. The feelings that have hunted him all day the last few months. 

“Remus, please. Let’s talk”

“No. Please, just… just go away”

Sirius goes to open the door, then retreats his hand. He turns to go back to his room. 

And then he turns around again.

He opens the door forcefully. “We must talk, Re…”

He freezes. 

Remus is standing in front of the window, half naked, with a foot on the stool and his hands firmly grabbing at the edges. He’s looking at Sirius, his face a mask of pain and horror. And then he’s looking ahead. 

“No!” 

Sirius runs towards him, practically jumps from his place to Remus, his heart in his throat. Everything seems to move quickly and slowly at the same time. It seems one second, or an eternity of them. 

Sirius’ hand closes around Remus’ right arm and yanks back with all its force. They both fall to the ground and Sirius immediately hugs Remus’ waist, stopping him from standing up again. Remus struggles, crying “Let me! Let me!”

But Sirius won’t let him go. He won’t ever let him go. And Remus might be taller, but Sirius is stronger, thank Merlin.

They stay like that for a while, Remus’ attempts at escaping from Sirius’ grasp getting weaker and weaker by the minute, until he just curls into himself, crying and whimpering and muttering nonsense. 

“It’s okay,” Sirius mumbles. He’s not crying. Should he be crying? He’s too shocked to think what he should be doing. “It’s okay, love. It’s going to be okay”

  
  


Sirius sets the cups on the table. Remus mutters a thank you. He looks horrible, but somehow better. He’s picking at the hem of one of Sirius’ t-shirts, the first he could find in their closet, a worn-out blue thing with some band’s logo. His face is red from crying and the scar over his mouth seems more noticeable than ever. His eyes are glassy, lost into space. 

Sirius gives him some minutes, until he can’t help breaking the silence. 

“Your tea’s getting cold”

Remus’ mouth twitches. 

More silence.

And then, it’s like everything breaks inside Sirius. The pain begins in his chest and extends down his back, to his arms, to his legs, to the tip of his fingers. He looks down, grabs his head, and he’s crying like he’s never cried before.

“I’m s-sorry,” he says, his voice shaking. “Remus, I’m s-so sorry”

He’s crying so much the tears cloud his vision, so he can barely see Remus when he gets up from the chair. He feels him grab his hands, forcing them away from his face. Remus somehow manages to sit down on Sirius’ lap, embracing him, pushing him close to his chest.

“I’m sorry too, Sirius” 

Sirius presses his face on Remus’ chest, feeling its warmth against his cheek. “I’m so sorry I doubted you,” he whispers.

“I understand”

Sirius shakes his head. “It was wrong”

“It’s okay”

“It’s not,” asserts Sirius. “Did you ever doubt me?”

He moves his head to look up at Remus and he knows, by just looking into his eyes, that the answer is “never.” Remus would never doubt him. And still, he keeps on thinking he’s the monster in the relationship. Sirius feels like the guilt will never abandon him. But he deserves it.

“I’m sorry I thought you were the spy, but…”

Remus opens his eyes wide, a horror-struck look on his face.

“Sirius!” he yells. 

Sirius’ heart jumps. “What?”

“The spy!” exclaims Remus in a desperate voice. 

He frowns, unsure of what Remus means. “I know now you’re not…”

“No!” Remus shakes his head vehemently. “If I’m not the spy, and you aren’t, then…”

Sirius feels the hairs on his neck stand. Fear strikes him like a bolt. “James is going to make him their secret keeper”

Remus looks at Sirius with so much fear on his face it makes him tremble.

“We need to go to James’, now,” he urges.

He climbs off Srius’ lap. Sirius rushes to the chimney. “I’ll go, you send a patronus to Dumbledore”

Remus nods, already on his way to the bedroom to retrieve his wand. But just before he disappears down the hall and Sirius steps into the chimney, he comes back. He takes three big steps towards Sirius, grabs the back of his head and kisses him. It’s a short kiss, but it contains a million words.

When they separate, Sirius’ eyes are full of tears again. “I’m scared, what if it’s too late?”

Remus gives him a sad smile, caressing his cheek. “My love,” he says. “There is nothing to be scared of”

  
  



	2. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He’d sent the patronus to Dumbledore as soon as Sirius set off, together with a clear message: Peter is the spy. We’re sure. The Potters are in danger.  
> Just then, there is a knock at the door. Remus gasps, then tells himself to calm down. It must be them. It must.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I decided to make this a multi-chapter fic. Blame WanderingBandurria. That's all I have to say about it.

Remus is pacing from one side of the room to the other, one hand shaking next to his body, the other on his mouth, teeth biting the nails to the roots. For the hundredth time in the last two hours, he approaches the chimney and reaches out his hand to grab some Floo powder. Then he retreats. 

What if Sirius is on his way? What if he comes with James and Lily and Harry and Remus is gone?

What if Sirius isn’t coming? What if it was indeed too late?

He’d sent the patronus to Dumbledore as soon as Sirius set off, together with a clear message: _Peter is the spy. We’re sure. The Potters are in danger._

Just then, there is a knock at the door. Remus gasps, then tells himself to calm down. It must be them. It must. 

It’s not. 

“Hello, Remus,” says Dumbledore behind his long white beard. His eyes are as inescrutable as always. 

“What happened?” asks Remus, heart in his throat. “Are they safe? Where are they?”

There is a pause, and Remus is no dumb, he knows what it means. The pause is filled with words. His heart breaks into a million pieces, and he can feel each and every one of them detaching from its source, entering his blood-stream, stabbing organs on their way. He feels a pain deep in his belly, just like when the transformation is about to start, like his body is turning and twisting, trying to get rid of the flesh, the bones, everything. 

“What… are they?” he finally manages to let out, feeling like there is a lump the size of a quaffle in his throat.

“Yes, I’m sorry.” Dumbledore looks down, almost appearing guilty, which is new. Remus is glad. It is, after all, partly his fault. He was the one who got them into the Order, who put them in dangerous missions, Merlin, even the one who put them in the same bedroom as that… as Peter. “James and Lily are dead”

Simultaneously, everything seems to fall apart and come back together. “Harry?” Remus asks, hopeful. 

Dumbledore sighs. “He’s fine. He’s with Hagrid at the moment”

Remus closes his eyes for a moment, somehow relieved. “Sirius?” 

Another pause. 

Remus opens his eyes. 

“What?” he insists, his voice deep with fear. “What happened with Sirius?”

Dumbledore begins to speak, but Remus doesn’t let him. 

“He’s not… Oh, he’s not… please,” he begs, tears welling up in his eyes. 

Dumbledore raises a hand to stop him. “He’s alive.” Remus breathes again. “However, he’s under the Aurors’ watch”

“He’s what?!” yells Remus. “Why?!”

“May I come in?” 

Remus doesn’t want him to come in. But he wants to know what this man has to say, so he lets him. After the agonizing few minutes that they take to sit down at the table, Dumbledore begins to speak. He tells Remus everything in a detailed manner. How Sirius and him arrived at the house at the same time, before the Aurors were even there, to find it completely wrecked apart. Sirius ran inside, but it was too late. When Dumbledore entered, he found him sitting on the floor, screaming, holding onto James’ dead body. Dumbledore didn’t lose any time trying to calm him down, instead, he continued up the stairs, in case Lily or the baby needed help. And there he found Snape, holding onto Lily’s body. 

At this point, Remus frowns, but doesn’t comment, so the old man continues. 

Dumbledore ordered Snape to disappear before Sirius could see him and, reluctantly, he did. Then the old man grabbed Harry on his arms and went downstairs to help Sirius. Only, when he got there, Sirius was gone. 

“He went looking for Peter,” states Remus. It’s not a question. Dumbledore nods. 

“He found him”

Remus listens to the story with rage filling up his every pore: how Peter threw a spell in the middle of the street, killing muggles in the process, screaming all along that Sirius was the traitor, leaving only a finger and dozens of confused muggle witnesses all ready to confirm that Sirius was a mass murderer. The Aurors arrived and took Sirius, who only laughed like a maniac. 

“But they must let him go,” insists Remus. “They must!”

“They will,” Dumbledore assures. “I will see to that. But there are many witnesses, Remus, and only you and I know the truth. It might take a while”

Remus tries to calm his breathing. “But they will? Let him go?”

Dumbledore puts his hand on top of Remus’ on the table. “Innocent ones…”

Remus raises a hand to stop him. 

“I respect you, sir, but if you say some wise made-up proverb right now I will have to ask you to leave”

Dumbledore, for what seems to be the first time since the beginning of this war, smiles. 

It does, indeed, take months to get Sirius released. Thankfully, he’s being kept at the Ministry preventive cells and not in Azkaban. The trial is long, since the only people who knew the truth were Dumbledore and Remus, and the jury is not too keen on trusting the word of a werewolf. Meanwhile, Harry is sent to the Dursleys', and Remus is not yet strong enough to protest. He visits, though, imposing himself even when that awful couple refuses to let him in. He sees how they treat Harry, and he promises himself he’s going to fight for him as soon as Sirius is out. For now, Remus is living off his salary only, and translating a couple of papers for Dumbledore is not enough to raise a child. Besides, they’re not sure the war is over yet, and Harry must be safe. 

The day they finally release Sirius, Remus can’t go wait for him. He’s been told Sirius will be escorted to their apartment by an Auror. So this time, when there is a knock at the door, Remus knows what to expect.

“Sirius,” he sighs, relieved. Without one look at the woman standing next to his friend, he throws his arms around the other man’s neck. It takes a minute, but Sirius hugs him back. They stay like that for a while, and slowly Remus feels Sirius’ body relax a little. Remus steps away reluctantly and signals the two to come in. 

“I’ll put the kettle on,” he offers as Sirius sits down. 

“No need, Mr. Lupin,” the woman says. She looks kind, but serious. She goes to the point. “As the Judge has declared, Mr. Black will be under surveillance for a year. He must not, under any circumstance, perform magic of any kind. We have placed a spell on him and on this apartment, so we will know immediately if he does”

Remus looks at Sirius, who seems not to have heard one word of what the woman just said. He turns to the woman again, and nods. 

“I can see myself out,” the woman states. “We’ll be in contact”

“Thank you”

Once she is out of the door, Remus sits down in front of Sirius. He looks terrible, and it brings Remus to that night when he… when Sirius saved him, and Remus must have looked something like this: glassy eyes, twitching hands, body turning inwards as if to protect itself from external harm, when the harm is really inside. He also looks skinny, which worries Remus. Didn’t they feed him at the ministry cells?

“Do you want to eat something?” he asks tentatively, but Sirius shakes his head. “Do you want me to make some tea?”

Again, Sirius shakes his head. 

They stay like that, in silence, for what Remus supposes it’s at least half an hour. He stares at Sirius all the while, who stares at the ground. 

“You told me…” Sirius begins, and his voice sounds raspy, as if he hasn’t used it in a while. He sure didn’t use it to defend himself at the trial. Just stood quiet, a dead look in his eyes, Remus remembers. “You told me there was nothing to be scared of”

Remus’ heart, impossibly, breaks a bit more. “I know”

“You made me think everything would be all right”

“I know,” he sighs. “I’m sorry”

Sirius nods, eyes closed. Then he gets up and disappears down the halway. 

  
  


The full, always inconvenient, falls two nights after the day Sirius comes back. Remus, not wanting to push his luck, merely apparates to his safe place and spends the transformation tied up and alone. When he returns, Sirius doesn’t ask any questions.

It’s not easy the next couple of weeks. Sirius locks himself up in his bedroom and only comes out to grab something to eat twice or thrice a day. He speaks in monosyllables to Remus and only when Remus addresses him. They don’t talk about James or Lily or Harry. They don’t talk about them, and about the fact that they sleep in separate rooms again.

Until one day, more than a month later, Remus decides he’s had it. 

“I lost them too, you know?” he lets out while Sirius searches the fridge. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees the other man still. “It’s not fair”

Sirius closes the fridge a little too strongly. “What’s not fair?”

“I didn’t know what was going to happen. It’s not my fault”

“I didn’t say it was your fault”

“You sure act like it,” Remus says, angry at himself and angry at Sirius for making him act like a child. 

“So I’m not allowed to mourn them?” asks Sirius, still from this place in front of the fridge.

“You are,” answers Remus. He locks eyes with Sirius for the first time in weeks. “Am I?”

Sirius’ face softens a little. “Of course you are,” he says in a quiet voice. 

Remus gets up then, and takes a few tentative steps towards Sirius. He raises his hand, expecting Sirius to step back. He doesn’t. So Remus puts his hand on Sirius’ cheek, caressing it lightly. “I’m sorry I gave you false hope,” he whispers. “I really… hoped…”

“I know,” sighs Sirius. “I never thought…” He shuts his eyes strongly, as if trying to get rid of the picture in his mind. When he opens them again, they are full of tears. “But you didn’t…” His voice breaks. “You didn’t _see_ him, Remus. Lying there,” he sobs now, and Remus puts his hands on Sirius shoulders to push him into his body. Sirius buries his head on his neck, and Remus can feel the tears wet his skin. “He was so white, so… And yet he looked just the same, that stupid, determined look on his face.” Here Sirius lets out a broken laugh, full of so much pain it makes Remus’ chest burn. “Fuck, I never even checked on Lily, I was so…”

“It’s okay,” Remus cuts him off. “She’d understand”

“I just couldn’t think,” Sirius whispers. “I just… I loved him _so much_ , Remus”

“I know”

“It’s not that…”

“Sirius,” Remus stops him. “I know. I understand”

To this moment, Sirius’ arms had remained limp next to his body. Now, they close around Remus’ waist, and he returns Remus’ hug with all his strength. 

That night, Remus is lying on his bed trying not to think when the door opens silently. 

“May I come in?” asks Sirius, startling him. 

Remus doesn’t hesitate. “Of course”

Sirius enters, leaving the door open behind him. The light from the hallway illuminates the contour of his body, and Remus knows by looking at Sirius’ face that he wasn’t sleeping either. Probably hasn’t slept much the last month, if the bags under his eyes are anything to go by. 

Remus doesn’t need to make space on the bed. He’s used already to leaving Sirius’ side empty. He now pats the mattress next to him, as a signal for Sirius to slide in. Once he does, Remus pulls up the sheet and turns on his side to observe him. Sirius does the same. 

“Hi,” Remus says. 

Sirius smiles. It’s so good to see that Remus feels himself relax a little, letting himself be comfortable in the heat that emanates from their bodies so close to each other.

“Hey,” whispers Sirius. 

They stay like that for a bit, just looking at each other. Like old times, thinks Remus. As if reading his mind, Sirius asks: “Remember when we used to do this at school?”

Now it’s Remus’ turn to smile. “Third year onward. Always looking for a excuse to get into my bed, you”

Sirius laughs, the sound reverberating in the empty room. “I loved the way your pretty face blushed! You were so cute, all nervous and virginal”

“Shut up, you were too!” Remus hits him on the arm, and then lets his hand rest there. Sirius throws a look at it. 

“You used to do that too”

“Do what?”

Sirius smirks. “Touch me and act like you didn’t even notice you were doing it”

Remus rolls his eyes. “Like you didn’t want me to touch you”

Sirius takes Remus’ hand, the one on his arm, and kisses the knuckles. It’s a light kiss, lips barely touching the skin, but it sends a shiver up Remus’ back. “Of course I wanted you to. I’ve always wanted you to touch me, you know that”

Remus closes his eyes for a second, the emotions too strong to bear.

“Tomorrow’s seven months,” says Sirius. Remus opens his eyes and frowns, confused. 

“Seven months?”

“Since we got together,” he explains. “Fifth of December. We got together on May”

“Oh.” It surprises Remus, that Sirius was the one to remember. Especially considering the circumstances. “I didn’t pay much attention to the date that night, to be honest,” he tries. 

Sirius reads right through his intentions. “Don’t try to play me, you moron. You totally forgot”

Remus pulls up the sheet over his head. Laughing, Sirius buries his hands in Remus’ sides and starts tickling him. “No! No! Stop!” 

“Never!”

Remus barks with laughter, twisting under Sirius’ hands and coming out from under the sheets to try and catch a breath. By the time they stop, Sirius has moved on top of Remus, their bodies pressed against each other from head to toe. 

“I missed you,” whispers Remus. 

Sirius kisses his forehead. “I missed you too, Moony”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment to brighten my lonely day during these awful apocalyptic times!


	3. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, but here's the new chapter! Enoy!

Slowly, they get back on their feet. At first, Remus continues to translate some papers for Dumbledore but, as the war is coming to an end and communications from the Welsh Order are diminishing, he doesn’t have much work. Sirius can’t return to his Auror studies yet, since he’s not allowed to do magic for a year, so he focuses on the theory for now, bringing home a pile of books on dark magic. In his free time, he does some odd jobs for muggles in the neighbourhood, mostly repairing their vehicles. They don’t have nearly enough to be too comfortable, but they have food and a roof over their heads (the latter thanks to the fact that Sirius bought the apartment with the money he inherited from Alphard as soon as they left school), so they can’t complain.

They don’t get back together, not completely, not yet. They sleep together on the same bed, but the mattress is still cold in the space between them, and they haven’t kissed since that night months ago. Since that fateful night. Sometimes, Remus looks at Sirius’ mouth when he speaks and he feels his lips itch with the desire to kiss Sirius, but he refrains. It’s not for him to decide when things will go back to how they were before. He understands that Sirius needs time in a way Remus doesn’t, not because Remus isn’t hurting, grieving, but because their pain is different, as their love for James was. 

On some nights, when he can’t sleep, he thinks about this. About Sirius’ love for James. He doesn’t feel jealousy, doesn’t think Sirius loved James in the way he loves Remus, not more, or less, just different. Sirius had tried explaining it to him countless times since they got together, and countless times Remus had assured Sirius it was fine. Once in a book, Remus read a quote that said  _ “Sometimes the love of your life comes in the form of a friend.”  _ He thinks that might be close to Sirius and James’ relationship. Remus never felt jealousy, just envy, not for James, but for both. He never came close to having what the two of them had.

That Sunday morning when everything changes, he wakes up thinking about this. He’s alone in bed, but can hear noises coming from the kitchen / living room / dining room of their tiny apartment. He pictures Sirius making breakfast for the two of them like he’s been doing for the last two weeks, and he ponders the idea of walking to him and hugging him from behind, like they used to do during the first mornings of their relationship. His body responds to the image and he chuckles silently to himself.  _ Don’t worry, there is time _ .

He gets up and puts on Sirius’ red robe, which for some reason he isn’t using this morning. Then he tiptoes his way down the hallway, aiming to surprise Sirius from behind.

Only, when he gets there, he freezes. “What the…?”

Sirius is sitting on the couch looking perplexed, and at his feet, playing with the hem of his trousers, is  _ a baby.  _ And not just any baby —which would be weirder, now that Remus thinks of it— but Harry Potter. 

“Sirius,” he calls, walking towards them. Sirius is looking into space, not even paying attention to Harry, who is now literally biting into his leg. “Sirius!”

The other man finally snaps out of it and looks Remus in the eye. “I… I…” he mumbles. 

“What did you do?”

“I think…” he says, now looking at the baby. “I think I stole Harry”

After the initial shock has passed, Remus—always the control freak—sets on to organize what they will do next. He sends Sirius to buy some baby things (diapers, a baby bottle and so on) and tells him he will bathe Harry ( _ you left him wandering on this dirty floor, Sirius! _ ) and see if he’ll fall asleep for a bit so that they can both talk calmly about what the plan will be. 

“Does this mean…” asks Sirius, surprised and still a little bit in shock, “you won’t make me take him back to those awful people?”

Remus sighs. “Honestly? The rational part of my brain tells me that’s what we should do,” he says. “And yet”

Sirius begins to smile. “And yet?”

“I saw how they treat him, Pads”

Sirius’ smile disappears. “James and Lily, they would freak out”

“I know”

“So?”

Now it’s Remus’ turn to smile. “So, I guess two dysfunctional adults are better than two functional but horrible, cruel, and stupid ones”

Sirius steps forward to hug him.

They manage quite well… for a couple of hours. Well, until night-time comes. Then, it’s full-on chaos. They let Harry sleep between them on the bed, but neither of them dares to fall asleep for the first two hours for fear of crushing him. When they finally do surrender, Harry starts crying.

And crying.

And crying some more. 

They try everything: feeding him, playing with him, even singing to him in horrible, sleep-deprived voices. 

“Oh Harry,” says Remus, rocking Harry from side to side. “Please, please shut up”

“Don’t talk to him like that!” Sirius scolds him. “You’ll hurt his feelings!”

“He’s a baby, Sirius!”

Remus groans angrily. Then he has an idea. He looks at Sirius, whose eyes are half-closed, and guiltily kicks him slightly to wake him up. “Can you hold him for a minute?”

Sirius takes Harry on his arms, who only shuts up for a minute before starting again with renewed force. 

They were sleeping or, well, trying to, on Remus’ bed. Now, Remus goes to Sirius’ bedroom and starts searching through his drawers. Until he finds what he is looking for, tucked between the pages of one of Sirius’ study books. He rushes back to his room, then stops at the door to contemplate the scene in front of him. 

Sirius has his eyes closed and his chin on top of Harry’s head. Harry, who is merely whimpering quietly now, has thrown his arms at Sirius' neck and buried his little face on the man’s chest. 

Remus steps forward lightly, trying not to disturb them. Sirius sees him and smiles at him. Then he sees the picture in Remus’ hand, and his eyes turn suddenly ten times sadder. Remus says nothing, giving him some time. Then Sirius nods. 

They move to the bed and put Harry in the middle once more. Remus shows him the picture, and tiny hands stretch to touch it. In the image, Lily and James kiss each other and then smile at the camera, both just out of their wedding ceremony and glowing with happiness. 

After some minutes, Sirius begins to speak. He talks about that day, about seeing James happier than ever, nervous but so sure of his love, of his devotion. He talks of Lily, and how beautiful and strong she looked in her wedding dress. He talks of them together, how Lily still rolled her eyes at James before saying “I do,” and how James asked her for a date in his vows and promised not to play anymore pranks under her watch. 

He talks and talks and, after a while, he starts to fall asleep in the middle of a sentence. Harry looks peaceful between them, tiny hands clutching at the picture. Remus smiles sadly and finally goes to sleep as well. 

The next day, Dumbledore comes to their door. They are expecting him, of course, and the old man can’t even get a word out before Sirius stops him.

“You’re not taking him,” he states firmly, hugging Harry to his chest. 

Dumbledore takes a look at him and seems to decide Sirius is a lost cause, because he moves his eyes to Remus instead. “Remus…”

Remus takes a step forward and puts a hand on Sirius’ shoulder. The young man seems to relax under his touch. 

Dumbledore raises his eyebrows, seeming surprised. “Very well,” he says, “I think we should talk”

“There is nothing to talk about,” Sirius insists. “You’re not taking him and that’s it”

“You have to understand, Sirius…”

“They didn’t treat him well,” Remus explains, “the Dursleys. When I visited, they refused to let me see him. And when I did anyway, he was dirty and crying, probably badly fed too”

“I understand, but…”

“They left him all alone,” Sirius interrupts. “No one seemed to pick him up”

“I understand,” repeats the old man. “However, in that house there is magic at work that you don’t…”

“Yes, you told me about Lily, Albus” Remus cuts him off. “But, what’s the point of a love spell when he won’t even feel that love growing up? We can protect him… You can put all the wards you need on this apartment”

“We love him,” affirms Sirius, caressing Harry’s head. “We love him more than anyone right now, and you know it. We can take care of him”

“Perhaps you can manage now, yes,” sighs Dumbledore. He walks to a chair and sits down, hands on his lap. “What about when one of you marries? When you have children of your own?”

Remus and Sirius look at each other. Sirius looks scared and, so subtly that Remus barely catches it, he shakes his head. 

“Sirius will take him,” Remus says, still looking at the other man. He now turns to Dumbledore. “We have talked about it. Sirius will take care of Harry.” He clears his throat. “In the case that I marry and move with… my, hum, partner, Harry will stay with Sirius. At least until he’s of age to decide where he wants to live and with whom”

“Very well, but…”

“Remus has a new job,” lies Sirius, “and I’m studying very hard for when I get to return to my training. I will sit for all the theoretical exams and leave the practical ones for next year when I can do magic. I’m working, too, making muggle money that I can exchange at Gringotts”

Dumbledore looks at them from behind his glasses, his mouth a thin line. There is no discernible expression on his face, as most times. He stays like that, staring silently between the two of them for a while. Then he nods.

“Very well,” he says. Sirius begins to smile and the old man raises a hand. “I have conditions. You are not to leave Harry alone at any moment”

Both of them nod at this. 

“You are not to tell any other wizard that he’s under your watch”

They take longer to nod this time, but there is not much they can do about it. 

“And lastly.” Now Dumbledore stands up and gets closer. “You are to move to a place I will designate”

“But…” Sirius begins to protest.

“I will not accept no for an answer,” sentences the old man. “You must move to where I consider appropriate… and you must allow me to be your secret keeper”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment please pretty please?

**Author's Note:**

> Leave a comment and make my isolation days better:D


End file.
